Thursday, February 5, 2015

Hefty Baggues

In the year 1982, a man named Hefty Baggues left his small apartment in rural Kansas in search of some inspiration. His life had become dull and predictable. Every day he woke up, made a ham and cheese sandwich, brushed his teeth, put on some slacks, and walked the .7 miles to work. Work was more of the same - shifting metal doodads from one conveyor belt to another, over and over until clocking out at 5:00 pm. After 14 years of this dreary existence it was time for a change. So he got up and performed his morning routine, but instead of stopping after the .7 miles, he continued walking. He walked and walked until his feet couldn't go any farther and took a nap on the side of the road. 

Hefty continued to walk south for a full two and a half years. Before long, he reached the Andes Mountains and pursued his journey along the heightening peaks. Climbing mountains had not even been a hobby on Hefty's radar but no peak was too great for him to conquer! Then, as exhaustion finally began to creep in, the highest peak rose before him. Mt. Aconcagua, the prize of the Andes, would be his ultimate challenge. If he could reach the top, he would turn back and head home with a renewed energy. Day after day, he climbed until finally he could see the finish line. As he rose to the top, the inspiration he had been looking for found him blowing in the wind. There, just within sight, was a garbage bag - his favorite thing in the world - stuck on a rock and snow formation. In that moment, he knew what he needed to do with the rest of his life. He would invent a garbage bag that would change the course of history and provide billions of people with a better place to put their trash. His garbage bags would have draw strings so people could tie their bags closed, much as he had tied his shoes 10,000 times along his travels. With this revelation, he tied them tightly once again and began to run home. 

Hefty ran the whole way, up and down the mountainous path, arriving home within a year! Immediately, he set to work and created the famous garbage bag he would name "Hefty Bag". Manufacturing followed soon after and as the first shipment arrived at the first chain of stores, Mr. Baggues's heart gave way. He died before he had a chance to see his garbage bag revolution. But years later, his garbage bags would be in use around the world and the name "Hefty Bag" would be known by children everywhere. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Great Watermelon Hunt of '88

Somewhere in the arctic tundra in the year 1888, a great hunt ensued - "the Great Watermelon Hunt of '88". For years, the northern hemisphere had been terrorized by a threat that was understood by few but feared by all. People were disappearing all over the hemisphere with no evidence but a trail of reddish juice and little black and slightly smaller white seeds.

Those among the unenlightened  thought this was the blood and bones of their missing friends for they did not understand the anatomy. But the few who had sought knowledge through the ages, emerging as heroes, knew the truth of matters. This! was the work of watermelons, a secret and most devious occult.

So the great hunt began, but not before the enlightened recruited the most able of their acquaintances to aid them in their mission. The wise members of the expedition knew that watermelons inhabited the deepest parts of the arctic tundra and so followed their compasses north. All knew it would be difficult to find these deviants but the leaders devised a plan that could not fail. In their packs they carried three items each. A penny whistle (which were known at that time as "half o' penny whistle" due to pre-inflated prices...), a spiral of dried orange rind, and a large net. The whistle would draw the Watermelons out from their hideaways while the orange rinds would comfort them as they felt akin to the function of rind, knowing much of rinds themselves. The net was self explanatory - the necessary snare.
The three items worked to such great effect that before the hunters knew it, they were practically overrun! Not a few Watermelons appeared but all! Watermelons. And with a great deal of effort and almost unending struggle, the hunters were triumphant for their nets were active and quick.
With the tremendous load they hurried home with the ensnared, but live Watermelons. There they performed the coup de grĂ¢ce - the ceremonial carving and feast of the Watermelons. No more did friends go missing in a trail of Watermelon waste. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Results Are IN - 2012!

Due to a Sandwich shortage around the country, we did not have Sandwich of the year awards this past year. But it turns out that, apparently, there was no shortage of sandwiches in one corner of the country. It is with great pleasure that I announce this year's Sandwich of the year award... and for the first time ever, a one way tie:

A Warm Chunk Style Brisket on Rye

*Because these results have been published by special request, this author will be happy to add any other nominations from places where sandwiches may have been in abundance.

Friday, January 4, 2013

For Peat's Steak

There once was a man named Peat. He was named after peat moss, his parent's favorite of the 151-350 types of moss, and also the favored vegetable of the townsfolk (little known fact: the town of Broccoli, Missouri is the only town in the USA to even consider peat moss a vegetable!). The year was 1985 and the town of Broccoli was experiencing a meat shortage, and contrary to popular belief (in town, which, as previously suggested, is relative) one can only live on Peat Moss for very brief periods of time! So it was up to Peat (the man, not the moss) to take up the mission of finding the legendary meat mines that had been fabled for centuries but never discovered. He set off through the southern gates of town and began his long trek through fields of wheat grass, potato patches, and corn villages (yes, villages made out of corn. everybody knows about them). Eventually he made his way to the base of the great Cotton Tarp Mountain and began his long climb. As if by storm, his meat sense went off when he reached approximately 3/4 of the way up the north face of the mountain. Peat had not been privy to the local legend, but for many years it was told that one day there would be a drain on the meat supply, townsfolk would fall ill, and a magnificent savior would appear to pull them from the disaster. Peat was that man and he would never know it, because legends were always kept from heroes in the town of Broccoli. With his meat sensor ringing in his head, he pulled out his pick axe and began digging into the mountain side, chipping away inch by inch. After three weeks of non-stop work, fasting the entire time, knowing he would sacrifice himself for the good of his people if necessary, he finally struck the famed meat deposits. Swiftly harvesting as much meat as he could fit in his back pack, he made his way back to town where he was greeted with a hero's welcome. Townsfolk quickly emptied his bag and delivered a ripe steak to every family in town, saving the best for Peat himself. The mayor offered up his personal chef to the hero in thanks, but ever the selfless man, Peat declined. He cooked his steak to perfection and paired it with a side of peat moss as the town rejoiced around his home. People still speak of Peat's legend to this day. He is now retired and occasionally helps out at the local library so he can assist the townsfolk researching their favorite subjects, but mostly people just come to get a glimpse of their hero.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Sandwich of The Year 2011!

Another big thanks to all who voted this year! I am proud to announce that we have a 33 way tie (as per the one vote per sandwich rule instated last year – note: some people found a loop hole in the bylaws: A person may vote for more than one sandwich, so long as that sandwich only gets one vote).

Buttered English Muffin with a Spiced Fried Egg

Everything Bagel with Tofu Cream Cheese and Tomato

Black Bean and Sweet Plantain Quesadilla

The Sandswitch – When the top and bottom Breads are rotated 180 degrees

French Canadian Poutine on 2 Pieces of French Toast Covered in Maple Syrup

Deep Fried Ice Cream Sandwich

The Macho Man – Sandwich made out of slim jims

Cuban Sandwich

Chicken Parm

Fresh Mozzarella, Roasted Peppers, and Grilled Chicken


Cuban Coffee Chicken Sandwich

Coconut Club

Spicy Thai Basil Grilled PB&J


Super Battleship

Fluffer Nutter

Noguchi Sandwich – Lox, Capers, Tomato, Avocado, and Lemon Juice on an Onion Bagel

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Vegetarian Cubano

Avocado, Tomato and Cheddar on Wheat

Fried Provolone, Tomato Jam and Arugula

Vietnamese Beef, Pepper and Cilantro Sandwich

Peter Luger Sandwich

Moe Sandwich

Surf Sandwich – Chicken Cutlet, Mozz, Roasted Red Peppers, Balsamic Vinegar and Mayo on Garlic Bread

Corned Beef on Rye


Mozzarella, Tomato, Kalamata Olive Spread and Olive Oil on a Roll

The Blind Tiger Ale House Bloody Beast

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Guest Submission! – Buddy Snacks, Stunt Sandwichest (ret.)

Wow, what a year it’s been so far… 2011…. Probably one of the best. Well, For my first official sandwich article of the new year (or any year) I’d like to discuss some of the articles I had thought about writing last year but didn’t….

I bring you…
Buddy Snacks’ Forgotten Sandwich Articles of 2010:

1. The Top Ten Sandwichists and Anti-Sandwichists in the History of Mankind… An article exposing the ongoing triumph of the Sandwich through the eyes of history’s most endearing Sandwich supporters, as well as perspectives of some of the Sandwich’s most villainous opponents.

2. Sandwich Techniques of the Avant Gardes-man: The Tetrehedral Sandwich… An article exploring the concept of multisided sandwich variants including the proposal of a 4, 6, and even 12 dimensional Sandwich.

3. Complaints Department: Don’t Undercut that Sandwich!!…Why is it that when you go to a deli and order a Sandwich, the dude behind the counter can’t cut it in half all the way? This article explores the phenomena of “Undercutting” from a socio-economic perspective, how to “finish the job”, and when to just hang your head in shame.

4. Sandwich Transplants… Exploring new medical breakthroughs in the use of Sandwiches for heart, liver, eye and lung transplants. Become a Sandwich donor today and save a life!!

5. The Honus Wagner: Honoring Baseball’s Top Sandwichist… Finally!! A Sandwich named for the number one Sandwichist in the history of baseball. The recipe, as well as a look back into Wagner’s ongoing devotion to promoting Sandwiches and baseball throughout the world.

I hope you enjoyed my ideas for articles in 2010… You can look forward to future articles concerning forgotten articles next year in 2012.

Yours very truly,
Buddy Snacks – Stunt Sandwichist (ret.)

Monday, January 3, 2011

2010 Sandwich of the Year!

The Sandwich Committee has voted and this year we have a 27 way tie!  After a long session and much deliberation, the committee has decided to implement a one vote per sandwich rule which has been reviewed and verified by the sandwich commission.  We would like to thank everyone who voted and a special thanks to this year’s sponsor, Honus Wagner.  


Banh mi

Ant sandwich

Olive and cream cheese on rye

Strawberry jelly and fluff on graham crackers encased in green jello


Tomato mozzarella

Chicken cutlet with fresh mozzarella, roasted red pepper, and balsamic mayo on garlic bread

Peanut butter and honey


Pulled pork steak sandwich

Earl of Sandwich

#2 large, double cheeseburger

Falafel sandwich

Blackened shrimp po-boy

Tofu Hoagie

Fresh Mozzarella with lettuce, tomato, and olive oil on ciabatta bread

Seitan and baby green chile


Turkey with lettuce, tomato, and onion on whole wheat

Curry chicken salad on sourdough

Turkey Reuben

Roast beef and American cheese

Tuna melt

Burger with a Reuben sandwich on a pretzel bun

Roast turkey with stuffing and cranberry on rye

Warm corn beef

French Toastie sandwich (french toast with melted cheese – sugar on top right before gustitation)

Note: Worst sandwich of the year once again goes to the Mortimer Baggues (see below).  It still doesn’t get worse than that.